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The Love Chapter

1 Corinthians 13 (Adapted)

If I speak to my spouse using tactful “I feel” messages and skillful conflict-resolution strategies, but I do not love, I am like a clanging cymbal or a car alarm that won’t shut off.

And even if I have an advanced degree in marriage counseling and understand the mysteries of why people do what they do and have all knowledge of psychology, and even though I read a mountain of books on relationships, if I do not love, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my good efforts to fulfill my duties, and though I burn up every drop of energy in being a great spouse, if I do not love, I gain nothing.

hearts of love

Love is patient even when a spouse does not change. Love is kind even when a spouse is thoughtless. Love does not envy someone else’s marriage. Love is not impressed with its own marriage skills.

Love does not save its best manners for company but instead uses its “fine china” manners with a spouse, treating him or her with honor every day. Love does not insist on getting its own way but works to see things from another’s perspective. Love is not irritable or exasperated. (You cannot get its goat!)

Love keeps no record of wrongs because love does not take offense. Love does not see a spouse’s failures or sins as personal affronts. Love knows that a spouse sins against God and against God alone (Psalm 51:4). Love forgives and refuses victim mentality (Proverbs 12:16Ephesians 4:32).

Love refuses to think resentful thoughts about a husband or wife; instead, love insists on seeing what is good and giving thanks. Love does not delight in any threat to the relationship, but rejoices in what heals and strengthens the marriage.

couple in love

Love always protects a spouse (his or her ultimate good), always believes that a spouse is priceless and made in the image of God, always trusts the promises of God, and always is confident that God’s grace is deeper than any need. Love never shuts its heart, never forsakes its covenant commitment, and never rejects a spouse.

couple in love

Love never fails. But prophecies that “you should move on with your life” will fail; the tongues that call your spouse “a jerk” will cease; and the knowledge that “you deserve better than this” will vanish away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became married, I had to put away childish things, such as name-calling and pouting and choosing what feels easy.

For now we see through a hazy glass, and there is much that we do not understand about our spouses, about ourselves, or about God’s ways; but then, face to face with God, we will know fully what glorious things He has been doing through our marriages, just as He knows fully how to love us well now.

Scrabble letters spell L-O-V-E

And now faith, hope, and love remain; but the greatest of these is love.


**adapted from various translations of 1 Corinthians 13, including the KJV, AMP, AMPC, NLT, and NIV

(Video) What Brain Science Tells Us about Joy

What does brain science tell us about joy?
How can we trigger the circuitry in our brains so that our marriages are strengthened?

These are some of the questions that Chris Coursey answers during a fascinating conversation about his new book, co-authored with Marcus Warner: The 4 Habits of Joy-filled MarriagesChris shares many helpful insights and practical suggestions for increasing the joy in our marriages.

You will enjoy watching this interview!

You can learn more about this encouraging book HERE.

If you would like to enter the drawing for a free copy of this book, be sure to comment HERE or HERE by June 23.

God bless you as you build joy in your relationships!
Tami

How to Increase Joy in Your Marriage

Do you know the 4 habits that will fill your marriage with joy?

Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey have written an intriguing new book entitled, The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages.

joy

I love the underlying premise of this book: You can build joy into your marriage. Without trying to fix everything in the past, and without trying to control your spouse, you can take definite, positive action to increase the joy in your relationship. How encouraging! Many couples need that kind of hope.

Brain Science and Joy

In this book, the authors explain that recent discoveries in brain science demonstrate how these four habits stimulate joy and build stronger bonds in marriage. The explanations are neither technical nor detailed, but they are interesting and motivating.

Although this book is short and easy-to-read, it includes a separate chapter on each of the four habits, as well as many practical activities for couples to do together. These exercises show “how 15 minutes a day will help you stay in love,” as the subtitle of the book claims. These activities are designed to build connection and boost joy in any marriage—including yours!

The 4 Habits that Enhance Joy

1. Play together. It is easy to get caught-up in the busyness of married life and to neglect the core of healthy marriage, which is friendship. But if you are willing to be intentional and to invest the time and effort, you can strengthen your friendship … and amplify your joy.

joy

2. Listen for emotion. Truly listening to one another is a great gift in any marriage, but learning to listen for emotions is even more powerful. You can learn to hear your spouse’s emotion, validate it, and then provide comfort (in that order). This is the type of listening that will create the biggest joy-boost in your marriage.

3. Appreciate daily. Even more than saying “thank you,” taking the time to experience genuine appreciation will expand your joy dramatically.

4. Nurture rhythms. Schedule regular times in your calendar to connect and relax with your spouse. “As you learn to start your day relationally, end your day relationally, and schedule regular times for relational connection, your capacity for joy will dramatically increase and your margin for rest will follow suit” (106).

joy

A Helpful Guideline

The authors repeated a phrase several times in this book which I think is a great principle:

Keep your relationship bigger than the problem.

When a problem is overwhelming your friendship, take time to prioritize your marriage. Tell your spouse that you value your relationship more than anything else. It is usually best to put a problem aside until you stabilize the relationship.

If you would like to fill your marriage with joy, you will love this little book! You will learn that you can change your relational posture and that you can recalibrate your brain to experience greater joy.

A Book Giveaway

Which of the four habits grabs your attention the most?  If you would like to enter the drawing for a copy of this book, leave a comment below by June 23. One winner will be selected at random and will receive a paperback copy of The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, compliments of Northfield Publishing.

Coming Soon…

Next week, I will be posting a video interview with Chris Coursey, co-author of The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages, so be sure to watch for that!

Joy to you,
Tami

(If you missed the interview with Ron and Jody Zappia as they discussed The Marriage Knot, you can view that HERE.)

Video Interview with Authors of “The Marriage Knot”

It was a pleasure for me to interview Ron and Jody Zappia recently as they explained “the seven choices that keep couples together.”

As you watch this video (HERE), you will hear what those marriage-changing choices are, and you will also learn more about the Zappias’ own personal story of a marriage-in-crisis that God transformed as a marriage-in-Christ.

Ron and Jody Zappia

I pray that this interview will be an encouragement to you!

Blessings to you,
Tami

“Dear Bride” (Part Two)

Recently, my friend Kristen Hogrefe asked me several questions about marriage as she prepares for her wedding in just a few days. I was happy to share with Kristen some of the things that I have learned during thirty years of marriage.

marriage

Last week, Kristen posted Part One of our marriage question-and-answer on her website; and today, she is posting Part Two. Here are today’s questions from the bride:

Bride: Forgiveness is something couples must generously extend, but, of course, that’s not always easy to do in the heat of the moment. What has helped you to be more forgiving as a wife?

Bride: Do you have any resources you’d recommend to engaged or newly married couples? What are some of the resources you offer on your website MannaForMarriage.com?

To read the article, please continue reading at Kristen’s website HERE.

Have you entered the book giveaway for The Marriage Knot? Learn about this new marriage book and enter your name for the giveaway HERE or HERE.

Marriage Knot

Blessings to you,
Tami



Seven Choices to Strengthen Your Marriage Knot

Ron and Jody Zappia were still newlyweds when their marriage began to unravel. Stunned by the crisis, they committed themselves to learning how to tie the knot of marriage so that it would hold them together for a lifetime. Almost thirty years of marriage later, Ron and Jody are sharing what they have learned in their new book by Moody Publishers, The Marriage Knot: 7 Choices That Keep Couples Together.

The Zappias learned that the marriage knot is not simply tied at the wedding altar and then forgotten. The knot must be strengthened through “everyday choices,” practices which we can learn from the Scriptures (21). “Choices” is the optimal word here because marital success is based not on the whims of our emotions but rather on the decisions of our will. Love is not something that happens to us; it is something we choose to practice.

Marriage Knot

The Zappias list seven choices that we can make to strengthen our marriage bond:

  1. The choice to grow spiritually
  2. The choice to love unconditionally
  3. The choice to serve sacrificially
  4. The choice to please (physically) regularly
  5. The choice to persevere persistently
  6. The choice to communicate respectfully
  7. The choice to bless abundantly

Ron discusses each choice in a separate chapter. At the end of each chapter, Jody shares a few comments from her perspective. Although Jody’s sections are very short, they are significant contributions to the book.

Whenever I blog about new marriage books, my goal is not so much to critique the writing or even to evaluate the book as it is to glean items that may be encouraging or helpful to you. There is much in this book to do just that, beginning with the title itself and the core premise of the book. It is important for husbands and wives to remember that marital unity must be strengthened every day. We either reinforce or weaken our marriage ties day by day and choice by choice.

Marriage Knot

Like a three-stranded braid, your marriage is woven together as you move toward God and toward your spouse.  You move toward God by trusting Him and obeying Him, and you move toward your spouse by forgiving and connecting.

Here are some “gleanings” from The Marriage Knot:

Introduction

Your “marriage is your greatest tool to be a witness for Christ in this world. It is your greatest testimony to bring other people to a knowledge of God, to introduce His power, grace, strength, and love.” (21)

Choose to Grow Spiritually

Regular “church attendance decreases your chances of divorce anywhere from 25 to 50 percent.” (34)

Choose to Love Unconditionally

We need to “learn to accept the other and live with glaring shortcomings. That’s called loving acceptance. Sometimes marriage is about learning to manage the tension rather than completely alleviating it.” (51)

“If you’re having trouble in your relationship, I guarantee you’re having trouble with forgiveness.” (58)

“Being unforgiving can be like a hot coal in the palm of your hand. The tighter you squeeze, the more it burns.” (58-59)

Even when you can’t trust your spouse, you can still focus on loving him or her. (63)

Choose to Serve Sacrificially

When Satan tempted the first couple in the Garden of Eden, “Adam took a step back when he should have stepped forward.” And Eve “took a step forward when she should’ve taken a step back.” (69)

Men, stop “guilt-tripping yourself for not being the spiritual giant you think you ought to be. Be done with that. Simply commit to do your part in the spiritual growth process and watch God work!” (73)

Choose to Please Regularly

“Satan likes a marriage without sex as much as sex without a marriage.” (96)

“Hopelessness is never from God, only from the enemy, and the withholding of sexual intimacy is what invites the enemy into your struggling marriage. It’s not a good plan.” (98)

Premarital sex tells your partner that it is “okay to have sex outside of marriage.” (106)

Choose to Persevere Persistently

Sometimes God “wants us to remain under life’s weight to produce something in us that we can’t produce in ourselves.” (115)

Choose to Communicate Respectfully

“When it comes to your marriage: your speck is always a log, and your spouse’s log is always the speck.” (136)

“’Be careful with your words: once they are said, they can only be forgiven, not forgotten’.” (137)

Choose to Bless Abundantly

“Prayer is the greenhouse of hope!” (153)

Praying with your spouse “creates an intimacy that precious few will ever experience.” (153)

Moody Publishers is graciously offering a complimentary copy of The Marriage Knot. If you would like to receive a paperback copy of The Marriage Knot, leave a comment below by March 28, 2019, to be entered into the drawing. (Be sure that I am able to contact you for your mailing address if you win.)

May God bless you as you make the choices each day which will strengthen your marriage knot.
Tami

“Dear Bride” (Part One)

Recently, my friend Kristen Hogrefe asked me several questions about marriage as she prepares for her wedding in just a few days. She recognizes that preparing for a lifelong marriage is more important than preparing for a wedding event, as exciting as that is! Having been on this journey myself for over thirty years, I am happy to share some of the things I have learned (and still am learning) along the way.

Here are the first three questions:

Bride: Opposites do attract, and my fiancé and I are no exception! What advice can you give to help us celebrate these differences instead of resenting them?

Bride: So often, I hear, “The first year is extremely hard.” Do you agree or disagree, and why?

Bride: Perhaps because I’m getting married in my thirties, I don’t have the “rose-colored-glasses” view that a teen or twenty-something might have. Instead, I’ve seen enough life and marriage struggles to know marriage isn’t always easy. What encouragement can you offer the new bride?

I am honored that Kristen is sharing her questions and my responses in two guest posts on her personal blog, where Kristen encourages her readers “to think truthfully and live daringly.” The first article appeared on her website today, and Part Two will be published next week.

To read our Q and A exchange, continue reading HERE.

Blessings to you,
Tami